The Little Engine that Couldn't
Sitting with my family in the sukkah just a few weeks ago, we were relaxing and talking. It is one of my favorite things to do and an annual highlight of my year.
The conversation shifted to a topic that has come up frequently throughout the years in our family – toy train sets. I am guessing you were not anticipating that being the topic I was going to mention. Let me explain.
My wife, Miriam, is truly my better half. Anyone who knows her knows what an amazing person she is. Even my kids, in their youthful innocence and frankness, will occasionally tell me, “I like Mommy better than you.” I tell them I don’t blame them! Miriam also has very few needs and luxuries and is very content with whatever she has.
There is one thing, however, that remains her own holy grail. One item that she has been pursuing since her youth. And that is a toy train set. As she has frequently explained it, when she was a child, maybe 7 or 8 years old, her uncle had a toy train set. This set had a train that whistled and blew steam. It had tunnels and long tracks. It was, simply put, the coolest thing in the world! She oftentimes reminisces about the hours she would spend in her youth just watching with fascination as the train chugged merrily round and round the track.
This nostalgic memory of her uncle’s train set has been a burning ember in her memory for decades and she has been determined to buy one for herself to try and duplicate those feelings of enjoyment.
Over the years she has bought one set after another, hoping it would provide her the same satisfaction she had as a child, but alas, each time she has been disappointed. I have spent enough money on train sets over the years to put my children through college, but the goal of her satisfaction remains out of reach. Perseverance is one of her strong points, though, so she does not stop trying.
Anyways, back to our family sitting in the sukkah. Once again, the conversation somehow shifted to the train set that Miriam is determined to obtain. My kids and I were poking fun at her obsession over the years with finding the perfect train set. “You have bought so many and they were never what you wanted!” we cried. “I know,” she replied. “But I haven’t found the one that was as good as the one my uncle had! I need to keep looking to find it.”
After a few minutes of this back and forth, the conversation took a logical turn (at least for me and my older children). “You are never going to find that train set no matter how hard you look!” we explained. “Your memory is creating an illusion for something that was more grandiose than the reality was. You are tapping into your memory of the feelings of a 7-year-old who was awestruck by this really cool train set but as an adult you will NEVER be able to have those same feelings for any train set, even if it is the exact same one that so excited you as a child.”
In other words (I don’t play psychologist in real life but I do in my sukkah) the brain is creating a reality that does not exist in real, present-day life. It is sending endorphins and triggers that are associated with feelings that were experienced as a child but cannot be duplicated with an adult. “If you buy the same train set as your uncle you will experience those same good feelings you had as a child!” is what the brain is telling you. But in truth, as an adult, you will not experience those feelings that the 7-year-old did. As such, there is simply no way to relive that feeling, no matter how hard you try.
I am not sure Miriam was convinced but the logic seemed to make sense to me. (This is how many conversations are between us: it is oftentimes logic versus emotion. I am guessing I am not alone in this regard!)
These analyses led to an interesting segue regarding Judaism and keeping the commandments of the Torah.
We are human beings and are driven by our desires and passions on the one hand. On the other hand, we are instructed by the Torah to curb those desires and refrain from acting on those passions in order to keep G-d’s laws. We are all created with what is known in the Torah vernacular as the “yetzer hara” – the Evil Inclination. This force does not literally have a pitchfork in its hand as it stands perched on our shoulder, trying to shut down the Jiminy Cricket on our opposite shoulder, but it is the innate drive to succumb to our desires even though we are bidden to turn away from them. The problem is that the yetzer hara is very good at what he does and he makes the desire to sin so tempting and alluring that it is a tremendous struggle to turn back his overtures and do the right thing.
The classic books of mussar – Jewish ethics and morals – teach that the primary tool employed by the yetzer hara is the power of illusion. He creates fantasies in our head that fill us with great expectations and promise - if only we follow our desires. The reality is that those fantasies rarely, if ever, live up to what we were hoping to find.
Just as an example, imagine you are trying to lose weight and you see a piece of chocolate cake on the counter. Logically you know you should not eat it but it looks so tempting! “This is worth breaking my diet for,” you tell yourself. You (and by “you” I mean me) reach out and eat it. For a few seconds it truly hit the spot, it was delectable and gave you a lot of pleasure. But two minutes later you think “Wow! I just set myself back for a fleeting moment of pleasure. It was really not worth it.” These secondary thoughts will be in your head until the next time you see a piece of cake on the counter. Then, inexplicably, you (I) will do the same thing over again. It takes a tremendous amount of work on character development to become good at holding back.
Every person has their areas of weakness and the yetzer hara hones in on it for each individual in his/her lifetime. The trick is to bear in mind that no matter the allure and enticing elixir the potential sin has to offer, it is being packaged in an illusory manner such that if and when you succumb you will subsequently be hit with the stark reality that it was not what it was cracked up to be.
Being cognizant of this fact when faced with a decision whether or not to do a mitzvah is a great way to ensure we make the right choices.
In the meantime, if you have any old train sets that you no longer use and want to send them my way I know someone who is desperate for it. I, for one, can’t buy any more of these things. I still have kids to put through school!
Shabbat Shalom,
Rabbi Yosef Koval
