The Heart Of The Matter
The lyrics of the Don Henley's song The Heart of the Matter have been rolling around my head since I heard Ruchi's Yom Kippur talk entitled "Forgive Me Not": "But I think it's about... forgiveness, forgiveness...." Yom Kippur is all about forgiveness. We have a tradition that if we can bring ourselves to forgive people who have wronged us, then G-d will forgive us for our shortcomings. It's not easy to forgive someone who has caused us pain, but Ruchi shared her brilliant "Six Steps for Forgiveness" formula with us to make it easier to allow our hearts to forgive.
The Holiday of Sukkot is called "Zman Simchateinu," which means "the time of our joy." There is actually a mitzvah to be joyful throughout the holiday. But how can we be expected to spontaneously feel joy? Isn't joy an emotional reaction to events that make us happy? What if I'm not feeling happy with my life at the present time? I understand that the Torah can command us to perform actions (rituals) but how can the Torah command us to feel certain emotions? It's almost as hard as commanding us to move past our emotional pain and forgive someone who has wronged us!
Yesterday I turned on the radio to a talk show. It was only on for 30 seconds, but what was said can literally be life-changing! Someone called the show and complimented the host profusely on something he'd said. He replied, "I taught myself a long time ago not to let compliments go to my head, or insults go to my heart."
When he said that I thought, "That is brilliant. But how did he teach himself that? How does he regulate his emotions so easily?" Then I thought of a PS to his remark: "The way to not let compliments go to your head is to send them to your heart, and the way to not let insults go to your heart is to send them to your brain." I know that it's easier said than done, but the idea is, when someone compliments you, send it to your heart. Meaning, talk to yourself and tell yourself that you are making a conscious decision to send the compliment to your heart. Feel grateful but not haughty. For insults, send it to the brain. Try and process the insult intellectually and not emotionally. This will make it possible to judge favorably, and, ultimately, to forgive.
Our 11-year-old son participated in a social skills project in school this week called: How to Train Your Lizard Brain. It reads very simply and straight-forwardly: "When your Lizard Brain (emotion) is taking over, talk gently to it and say: I'm Ok, I can handle this.
We can practice mind over matter and learn to regulate our emotions. It is a journey, and definitely not an easy one, but I believe that it is an exercise that we can practice and get better at over time.
This is the secret to mastering the different emotions of this holiday season, whether joy or forgiveness, compliments or insults. As Don Henley says, that is truly The Heart of the Matter!
Best wishes for a joyous and meaningful Sukkot!
Shabbat Shalom,
Rabbi Koval
