The Biggest Loser
My friend, originally from Israel, is terrified of dogs. Where she grew up, there were stray cats all over. One day she walked into her front door, not seeing that there was a stray cat right on the ground. As her leg brushed against the cat, she was overcome with a sense of repulsion that she just can't shake.
But she wants to shake this aversion. She understands that it is irrational and unhealthy - one she is passing along to her children. This past Shabbat, I was out walking Wolfie and stopped off at a mutual friend to drop off my daughter. My Israeli friend was there visiting too and visibly jumped when she saw my dog. "I want to not be afraid of dogs," she said. "Will you teach me?"
I told her I practice free exposure therapy with Wolfie and that the first step was just being in the presence of my dog and trying to be calm. She said, "Bring Wolfie here and I'll pet him."
"Oh no," I said, "each step takes time. You can't shortcut this. First you become OK with being in his presence. In a future session, he'll be near you, but you won't touch him. Third session, you can pet him. In the fourth session you will hold his leash. And we move on from there."
There's a real temptation to speed up processes when we're feeling impatient for results. We live in a very result-oriented culture. We want dramatic change, fast! But true growth doesn't work that way.
"The Biggest Loser" is a reality TV show that features obese men and women on a quest to lose the most amount of weight. To this end, extreme calorie restriction and intense hours of exercise are followed for a large cash prize. The problem with this is that the New York Times revealed in an explosive article, based on Dr. Kevin Hall's study over six years, that the majority of the Biggest Loser contestants gain back most of their weight over the long term. The science of why this happens with weight loss is fascinating (and depressing), but it merely follows a truth about all human change:
Dramatic change is not sustainable.
A phobia has to be cured with small, steady, slow steps. Weight has to be lost with realistic, underwhelming initiatives that can be followed, with minor exceptions, for life. Spiritual failings and character flaws must be addressed with healthy, careful planning. Drama reveals instability, and instability is not a starting point for responsible change.
On my father's yahrtzeit I taught a special mussar class about forgiveness. In it, I described the long process that is true forgiveness. Some people want to be quick to forgive, only to discover they still have lingering resentment. The process never truly took root, because it didn't have the time it needed. Grief is the same way. If a person doesn't take the time he needs to truly grieve, and to slowly and gingerly return to life, he will find that he simply can't move on. Real change takes time and patience - something we find ourselves in short supply of.
And I really do offer free exposure therapy with Wolfie. Just stop by :)
Shabbat Shalom,
Ruchi Koval
