by Ruchi
An interesting trend is emerging in the way some parents recognize their children's milestone events, that I believe is generation-specific: Facebook birthdays posts, for instance: have you ever seen friends post happy birthday messages to their "awesome, accomplished, talented" kids (who are turning 5) who have "taught me so much, inspired me" and thanking them for the "honor and privilege of being your mom"?
Which leaves me to wonder what exactly has a five-year-old accomplished on this earth that hasn't been facilitated by, organized by, paid for and dutifully recorded digitally by his parents?
Or how about bnei mitzvah speeches? Parent to child: "You are awesome. You have so much to teach us. You are compassionate, kind, and talented. Thank you for being you."
Really?
Who should be complimenting whom at a bar or bat mitzvah?
I'm concerned; how will these children fare in life?
A fascinating article recently circulated about the kids who end up in therapy because their parents have been too doting, to complimentary, too congratulatory. These are the kids who have never lost a game of Candy Land, as Dr. Wendy Mogel says. I call it the Deification of our Children. It's putting them up on a pedestal, honoring them for accomplishments that are not truly theirs, building "self-esteem" via hyperbole and rhetoric, and leading them to believe they are, quite literally, God's gift to humanity. Or at least, to us.
Do we, the parents, really believe this stuff?
Some do. Some parents are, quite honestly, breathtakingly in love with their kids. Surely there is no one more gifted, talented, good-looking. (After all, that's my DNA lurking around in there.)
But I'd guess there are many who suspect their kids are, well, average. That's what average means. Normal. Typical. If all our kids are gifted, they're all just average again. Maybe they are worthy of some truly politically incorrect adjectives. Like: annoying. Self-centered. Whiny. Lazy. Ungrateful. Go ahead, think it. Sound like a horrible, negative exercise? It's not.
What's our job as parents?
The Torah teaches us that the primary role and goal of parents is to help our children overcome and fix their character deficits.
But how can we fix something we haven't ever identified? First, a diagnosis; then a treatment plan.
So go ahead and notice where your kids' shortcomings are. It doesn't mean they are bad or hopeless. Just kids. It also doesn't mean they are God's gift to humanity. Just... kids.
Oh, and the bar or bat mitzvah speech? Here's what they might sound like:
"Sweetheart. At this moment in your life I want you to recognize how very many things in your life you have to be grateful for. You have parents and grandparents that love you and from whom you have so much to learn. You have a community that believes in you. You have a God that trusts you. In short, you have a lot to live up to. But I think you can do it. If you work hard, do the right thing, and listen to your soul, you can do amazing things. I can't wait to watch it all happen."
As for me, I love my children deeply. I appreciate that every child is a tremendous gift and a tremendous blessing. But that gratitude gets directed upward, to God - not downward, to my child. It makes an enormous difference.
