Fight to the Finish or to Finish the Fight?
Anyone with children is familiar with having witnessed all sorts of silly fights. For example, the following incident happened just the other day in my house.
I was scheduled to drive to Toronto for a day in order to pick up my daughter Malka from camp. It was going to be a quick trip, in on Monday night and back on Tuesday afternoon. I was planning on driving by myself…until my wife had the brainstorm that I take along my 4 year old daughter, Faye. My in-laws live in Toronto so it is always a treat for the kids to have a chance to see their grandparents. We asked Faye if she wanted to come with me and she could not have been more excited. I told her, “We don’t want Chaim (our 6 year old son) to be jealous of you so don’t say anything to him, ok?” “Ok,” she nodded in agreement. Fast forward a full 30 seconds and into the room walks Chaim. “Chaim,” said Faye, “I hope you won’t miss me!” “Why would I miss you?” asked Chaim. “Because tomorrow I am going to Toronto with Abba!” responded Faye.
I need not fill you in with the rest of the story, I am sure you can envision it. Suffice it to say, if your version of the ending was Chaim responding “Oh wow, Faye, I am so happy for you!” you would be wrong. Very wrong.
Silly and trivial fights between siblings are a fact of life. (If this is not indeed the case and in your family no one fights, please don’t tell me. I prefer to assume this is the norm!)
It never ceases to amaze me how, as an observer; I am struck by how small and insignificant the root causes are for the majority of these fights. My favorite sibling fight was told to me by my sister-in-law whose children were fighting in the car over the fact that one child was “looking out the same window” as another. The horror!
Be that as it may, such behavior is typical of young and immature children and can be overlooked to an extent. The larger issue is adult fighting. I have heard of, and even witnessed personally, arguments and fights between two otherwise rational adults that to me seemed so foolish. As an outsider it looks bizarre and sometimes even comical but to the parties involved each one believes they are being unjustly wronged and have the license to avenge that wrong.
We are now just about a week away from the saddest day on the Jewish calendar – Tisha B’av (the ninth day of the month of Av). Although many tragic events occurred on that date, the most notable event was the destruction of our holy Temple in Jerusalem, not once but twice. Although separated by several hundred years, both the first and second temples were destroyed on the same day – the ninth of Av.
The Talmud tells us that these sacred sites were not destroyed in a vacuum; they came about as a result of the sins of the Jewish nation. Specifically, the second temple was destroyed as a result of something called “sin’as chinam”, commonly translated as “baseless hatred”. We are also taught that any generation in which the Temple is not rebuilt in its days is as guilty as the generation which the Temple was destroyed in. In essence, then, we are being taught that we too must be guilty of harboring baseless hatred against our fellow Jew by virtue of the fact that the Temple is not yet being rebuilt.
The issue is to understand what exactly constitutes “baseless hatred”. Ask anyone who is in a fight with someone else if they honestly would consider what they are doing is “baseless” and assuredly they would say “of course not!” Anyone in a fight believes that their “hatred” is not baseless, it is with just cause!
The Torah teaches us otherwise. In the eyes of the Torah, practically any “hatred” (this term, which is a very strong word, encompasses any form of dislike including those which do not rise to the level of what we would define as “hate”), towards our fellow Jew is forbidden.
We need to realize that no matter how justified we think we are when we engage in any sort of dispute with our fellow man, in the eyes of G-d it looks like such a trivial matter and is not worthy of being fought over. In the same way we view our children fighting with each other over the smallest trivialities and shake our heads in disbelief at how these matters end up being fought over, so too does G-d view the fights we adults have with each other. The difference being we, as intelligent and mature adults, cannot be excused in the same way children can be.
So the next time we get upset at someone else, even if we believe we are fully justified, we would be wise to ask ourselves one question – “Is what I am getting upset about that important that it is worth prolonging the current exile and not having our holy Temple rebuilt?” I guarantee you it is not.
Let us all practice the art of patience and tolerance and in that merit may this be the final Tisha B’av for the Jewish people as G-d brings us the final redemption with a rebuilt Jerusalem speedily in our days!
Shabbat shalom,
Rabbi Yosef
