The Whole Picture
I was recently looking through some old pictures on my computer with my wife and daughter. One of the pictures we came across was taken 4 years ago. That year we spent the Sukkot holiday at my brother-in-law and sister-in-law's home, and our two families went for a day to Dorney Park, an amusement park in Pennsylvania.
The older kids went off on their own to go on the rides that were more age-appropriate for them while my brother-in-law and I took the younger kids to the kiddie rides.
My son, Tzvi, and my niece, Faye, were about 6 years old at the time. They wanted to go on a ride that was a swing ride, similar to the one they have for adults, but this one only want about 6 feet off the ground. While that might not sound high to any of us, apparently for a pair of 6-year-olds that was still a wee bit scary. They were only willing to go on the ride if one of us adults joined them. I drew the short straw so I said I would go on. The seats were only large enough for two people so I was not able to sit with the kids but I agreed to sit on the swing in front of them.
Having put my son and niece at ease by my mere presence, I strapped myself in and sat there waiting for the ride to begin. I began to laugh with my brother -in-law about how absurd it must look to see a grown man sitting on the kiddie ride. Had I been sitting next to a child it would have been obvious to anyone looking that I was not there for my own personal pleasure, but sitting by myself on this ride must have appeared ridiculous to any onlooker!
To make the scene even more ridiculous, because this occurred during the intermediate days of Sukkot, I was dressed in a suit and tie in honor of the holiday! Picture the scene: a grown man wearing a tie in an amusement park, sitting by himself on a ride made for children below the age of 7! We had a good laugh at the absurdity of the situation and I took a selfie of myself sitting on that ride because it looked so funny.
Now that I have given you the background, this was the picture we stumbled across 4 years later.
I don’t know if anyone in the park paid any attention to me that day or not. In my mind, however, I imagined what someone who was witness to the scene would have been thinking. “Why is this adult man, wearing a tie in an amusement park to boot, sitting by himself on a children’s ride?! He must be missing a few screws!” And in truth, I would have likely had the same reaction.
How often do we rush to judgment based solely on what we see? Whether it’s with our spouses, children, family, friends or perfect strangers, too often we witness something and immediately form a conclusion in our brains. Sometimes those conclusions lead us to anger, hurt feelings or resentment, all because we jumped to conclusions. Were we to be aware that there might be more to the story - things we'd never have thought of - all of those things can be avoided.
The Torah commands us to be “dan l’kaf zechus” – to judge people favorably and give them the benefit of the doubt. In other words, when we see someone do something that seems wrong, it is incumbent upon us to think that there might be more to the story that we are not aware of.
A simple example: you send someone an email and do not receive a response. You think to yourself: “What nerve! How hard is it to give a simple response to an email? Don’t people have any decency anymore?”
After harboring this ill-feeling and resentment for a few days you bump into your friend and ask him why he never responded to your email. He tells you he never received an email from you. With a bit of thought you realize that your email went to his spam folder.
All that time you were upset at him for something he didn’t do! And had you followed the Torah’s advice it could have all been avoided. When you didn’t get a reply you could have given the benefit of the doubt by telling yourself, “My friend is a good guy. It doesn’t make sense he just ignored me. Something must have gone wrong. Perhaps he never saw the email, or he simply forgot to respond. Whatever, there might be more to the story than I know.”
By practicing this mitzvah we not only get credit for listening to a commandment from G-d but we also preserve peace and harmony in the world.
So the next time you see an adult in a child’s ride at an amusement park, especially if he is wearing a tie, keep in mind he might just be accompanying his child on the ride. Or he might just like wearing ties and going on kids’ rides. Either way, hold off on your judgment and think about the rest of the story.
Shabbat Shalom,
Rabbi Yosef
