Little Wheels are Big Deals
Being a parent, I never cease to be amazed by the things I hear from my kids. The other day my 4-year-old son, Chaim, asked me if I could take the training wheels off of his bike. Knowing that he does not yet know how to ride a two-wheeler I assumed he wants to start learning. I was busy so I gave him the same answer fathers have been giving their kids for centuries – “Mmm, hmm. Ok.” And I continued doing whatever I was doing at the time.
A bit later he asked me again, “Abba, can you take off my training wheels?” At the time we weren’t home so I told him we would have to wait until we got home.
We got home later that night and he once again asked me to take off the training wheels. I told him it was time for bed and I couldn’t do it then.
In the morning he asked me yet again (when Chaim wants something he has a memory like an elephant). I was getting ready to leave town for business and I told him I couldn’t take it off because while I was away I wouldn’t be able to teach him how to ride.
A few minutes later his eyes were welled up with tears and he told me, “But I want to be able to kick older kids off of the couch!” I knew I had not yet had my morning coffee and my brain was still not processing things as quickly as I normally would but that statement had me completely baffled. What on earth was he talking about?! What connection could there possibly be between training wheels and kicking kids off a couch? I was stumped.
I asked him some questions in an effort to understand his enigmatic statement. I pieced together that his friend once told him that he needed to get off the couch because he was “little.” When Chaim protested the fact that he wasn’t “little” his friend told him that he is because he has training wheels on his bike. (I have to remember not to send that boy a bar mitzvah gift in 9 years.)
In other words, when Chaim wanted me to take off his training wheels it wasn’t because he wants to ride a two-wheeler. It was because in the eyes of a couple of 4-year-olds it is a status symbol and denotes being a “grownup” !
I reassured him that he is indeed a big boy and that if anyone calls him “little” he should just tell them that his father said he is really “big.” He was mollified and I was able to leave town in peace.
Reflecting on what transpired I was struck by a few things. First, I felt bad that I kept pushing off something to my child that was clearly very important to him. Secondly, I realized that by not understanding what is going on in someone else’s head I lacked the ability to empathize and be of assistance the way I should have.
Obviously I had no way of dreaming that the request of removing training wheels was really a means to being able to kick people off a couch or to be “big.” Yet there are often times when interacting with adults that we remain blind to what is going on behind the scenes and it brings about the wrong results.
Take for example a scenario where a husband comes home after a long and stressful day at the office. All he wants is a few minutes of quiet and relaxation. Instead he walks in the door and his wife hands him the baby to feed and asks him to do homework with the kids and get them in pajamas and put them to bed... (Not that this ever happened to me, just purely hypothetical!) The first reaction is often “Hey! Can’t I have a few minutes to unwind!?” However, if the husband would put himself in his wife’s shoes and realize that she just spent the past 8 hours with a bunch of kids turning the house upside down and vying for her attention, all the while trying to do the multitude household chores and have dinner ready in time for her husband who comes home hungry after work he would be much more sympathetic. The same applies with friends who get into an argument. Putting one’s self into the shoes of the other and trying to see things from their perspective does wonders for interpersonal relationships.
Too often we are focused on our own feelings and forget to step into the mind of the other person and try and see things from their eyes. The key to strong relationships is being able to put yourself into the place of the other party.
Thank you Chaim for teaching me this important lesson! Now go get me the screwdriver so I can take off those “little kid” training wheels. It’s time to start getting a place for you on the couch.
Shabbat Shalom,
Rabbi Yosef Koval
