13 Reasons
I'm going to take a departure from my usual chatter here. Over the past few weeks I've heard of a number of suicides by young adults in our communities. Whenever I hear of these tragedies, my heart jumps to my throat, not just because it's every parent's worst nightmare, but because in a way each loss IS a loss for all of us. I am my community and we are all responsible for one another.
In my heart of hearts I would like to believe that love can heal all - that if we simply love each other to the maximum (not easy) we can solve all the world's problems. This is my Chassidic upbringing at work. But the truth is grittier.
Mental illness and addiction can certainly be helped with unconditional love and radical acceptance. And for sure the opposite - censure, judgment, criticism - makes things infinitely worse. But the sad truth is it can't always save our loved ones from suffering. As much as I ache for each family's loss and all the waves of influence that tragedy will have, I can't imagine the suffering of parents asking themselves if they did enough. So many times parents do all they can, all they know how to do, access every form of help they can, and the worst still happens.
Us parents blame ourselves for a lot. We carry a lot of guilt and responsibility. We want to manage and control, for the best of reasons, of course. But when something goes wrong it's not the time for blame. Not of ourselves and not of others.
The recent Netflix phenomenon "13 Reasons Why" is about suicide and bullying. It's based on a novel of the same name and is quickly becoming the most-talked about series of the day. The content is so intense that therapy dogs were present on set for the actors because of the emotional content of the series. The series has been both acclaimed for its handling of the issues that many teens struggle with today, as well as criticized for encouraging suicide ideation among our young population.
I think of the Torah portion of this week and its treatment of the sin of gossip. Of the 13 reasons why Hannah, the protagonist, experiences suicidal thoughts, most involve vicious gossip, rumors, and making public information that was intended to be private. In my deepest heart, I wish that the world could take these lessons to heart - and maybe more of our precious young could be saved. I wish more people could offer more love and radical acceptance - and maybe heal more sadness. I wish we could all give each other what we need emotionally.
But sometimes, it's just not enough. I don't have any neat way to tie up this ramble. Because life is sometimes messy and we sometimes just don't know the end. But I'll say this: think of the sadness in the world the next time you are tempted to add more angst to another person's life. Think of it, and I guarantee you, you'll choose better.
Shabbat Shalom,
Ruchi
