Mussar Moment in the Parking Lot
Imagine the following scenario: you ("Driver A") pull into a parking lot early in the morning. Because it is still semi-dark outside, you accidentally park your car over one of the yellow lines, taking up part of the space in adjacent parking spot. As a result of that, when Driver B pulls in next to you ten minutes later, he ends up pulling in super close to your car - so close that you are unable to open up your car door.
When you return to the parking lot, you become frustrated at your inability to get into your car. You track down Driver B and frustratedly say, "Your car boxed me in, and I can't open my car door." Driver B views this as an indictment and replies angrily, "Well, this is all your fault because you parked over your yellow line." You now feel the need to defend yourself and retort in kind. The conversation quickly spirals into a mean-spirited argument, pitting two people against each other.
I witnessed this exact scenario unfold one week ago. It actually happened in a public setting and was a short but very uncomfortable scene to witness. Especially since I know both parties, and know them both to be good, kind and gentle people, I felt embarrassed watching them argue that way. In truth, who is the responsible party? Truly no one.
Driver A didn't see the yellow line, and driver B tried to do his best with the limited space he had left in his spot. So, what would be the best way for each of them to deal with this situation and prevent a blowup? Dale Carnegie writes about the basic human need for respect. If you treat people with it, that is the secret to influencing them.
The "right" thing would have been for Driver A to approach Driver B and gently say, "I'm sorry to bother you, it was dark and I accidentally parked over the yellow line, so you ended up boxing me in. Can I trouble you to move your car so that I can get into mine?" Or, for Driver B to have replied, "I'm sorry I boxed you in. You accidentally parked over the yellow, and I tried my best with the limited space I had. I'll go and move over right away."
What ended up happening is that the Yetzer Horah got the best of both of them. I'm not judging either of them. I might have acted the same way. We're all human. But what's the moral of the story for the rest of us?
The Ba'al Shem Tov, the founder of the Chassidic movement, used to teach his disciples a mystical concept: everything that you witness in life is there to teach you a lesson. Nothing is random. I believe the lesson here was to remind me: 1) just how fragile we human beings tend to be, 2) about the importance of speaking to people with respect, and 3) why it is so important to study Mussar.
When we study and remind ourselves about the importance of character development, we are much more likely to rise to the occasion when the Yetzer Horah challenges us. Because he is always waiting to challenge us: at home, at work, in the store, and even in the parking lot!
Shabbat Shalom,
Rabbi Koval
