Dishwashers
I have a dishwasher problem.
The first problem is how often I forget to be grateful that I have a dishwasher. We lived in Israel for nearly five years and I had two dishwashers - my two hands. And my husband's two hands. When we moved to Buffalo Grove, Illinois, and then later to Cleveland Heights, we had one dishwasher. And when we designed our own kitchen in our current home in University Heights, we included plans for TWO dishwashers - one meat and one dairy.
For the first six months I was in dishwasher heaven. Every single time I'd load the dairy dishwasher (the one that was new for me) I'd smile, dance, and exult in the beauty of the moment. Alas, it didn't last.
My major current pet peeve is when family members dump their dishes in the sink and leave them (it seems to me) mindlessly and deliberately for ME, yes ME, to clean up and deal with. Yuk! In case it's not clear to you how I feel about this, I feel annoyed, resentful, sarcastic, taken advantage of. These are not fun feelings.
So I tried mussar - harnessing what I know about spiritual self improvement. I told myself things like:
Be happy you have family members.
Be happy you have dishes.
Be happy you have not one, but two dishwashers.
Your family members have so many positive traits that, really, you're going to focus on this??
This is a test.
You can pass it.
One, two, three go.
And that worked. For awhile. But it really, really continued to bother me. And while mussar is huge and amazing, sometimes it's not all about internal processing, because conversations must be had. See, I can't change anyone but myself, but when something really bothers me, I have a responsibility to myself and our relationship to express what's on my mind and see if positive change can be effected.
The decision as to when to internally process, and when to confront other people is an ongoing dilemma, and one that differs with each situation and person. I can't lay out for you exactly how to know when to do what - I don't always know myself. But my internal voice was telling me it was time to up the subtle nagging into a full-blown, thoughtful, focused convesation full of "I"-statements and all manners of positive communication.
So, you ask? What's the end of the story?
I don't know the end of the story yet - because the future remains to be seen. It kind of doesn't matter at this point. I understand that this is a test, and I understand that I did my best in terms of rising to the challenge of things that annoy me, and responsibly and nicely discussing them with others. The future is not in my hands. It's in the hands of others.
What remains for me is how I will react to those choices. I'm ready. I'm ready for the challenge. I can't change other people, but I can change myself. That should keep me busy for a little while. And whether it's dishwashers, or things of much greater consequence, this knowledge brings me peace.
Shabbat shalom!
Ruchi Koval
