From the Brightstone to the Barn
Recently I found myself enjoying one of the happiest days of my life while standing in, of all places, a barn in Navarre, Ohio. That’s right, a real barn, built in 1850.
The occasion was the wedding of my oldest son, Eliyahu, and when he got engaged just a few months earlier I would never in my wildest dreams have thought I would be marrying him off in a barn! In fact, the original plans we had were to make the wedding in Passaic, NJ, in a hall called The Brightstone. So how did we end up in a barn in Navarre instead of The Brightstone in Passaic?
The answer, like it is to pretty much any question asked over the past 3 months, is “Corona.” By the way, this is a fact: you can answer “Corona” to pretty much any question. “Why are we not in school?” ask my kids. “Corona,” I answer. “And why are you not working?” “Corona.” “And why is the house always such a mess?” “Corona”. “Why are we having macaroni 5 nights a week for supper? Why do you wear the same shirt for two weeks straight? Why do you sit in pajama pants and a shirt and tie when you meet people on the computer? Why doesn’t mommy wear makeup anymore? Why is the sky blue? Do aliens exist?” The answer always is “Corona.”
So, back to our wedding story.
When Eliyahu got engaged we were determined to be very proactive and organized. Despite the fact that both Miriam and I are laid back people and do more things spontaneously as opposed to planning in advance, this time we were going to be different. We had the Brightstone hall booked immediately and we came back from the engagement party in NJ and immediately sat down to compile an invitation list (and by “we” I mean “Miriam” -- my main job usually is staying out of the way and not messing things up.) The invitations were ordered and a few weeks later we received them from the printer.
We were feeling very proud of how ahead of schedule we were when all of a sudden Corona hit. At the time we hoped that by our wedding date of April 23 the virus would have blown over and the wedding would go on as planned. At any rate, we had to also contend with a house full of kids, home schooling, Pesach preparation (a daunting task in any year even without these added complications) and, of course, preparing for a wedding.
As the weeks passed, we realized that in all likelihood our wedding plans were not going to go as originally thought. For starters, The Brightstone was forced to close its doors during the outbreak and we did not have a venue to hold the wedding. Exacerbating the issue was the fact that we live in Cleveland and the bride’s family in NJ. Rabbis and community leaders of both cities were very opposed to members of different cities coming to their communities in fear of spreading the virus. Even if we wanted to think out of the box and get creative, one absolute requirement of a wedding is that both the bride and the groom be present! Where could we make it?
First we traveled to Clarion, PA, to look at a vacant house that a friend of ours owns. While not the nicest place in the world we were open minded to all possibilities, so long as we got our children married off! Unfortunately we couldn’t get any government official to give us a green light to host the wedding there. We were sent in circles from the PA Health Department to the Clarion sheriff’s office to the county commissioner office and back around. Simply put, no one was able to (or knew how to) give us the proper answer and therefore they couldn’t give their stamp of approval.
At that point we decided to postpone the wedding to Lag Ba’omer, a day on the Jewish calendar that is traditionally a day to host weddings. Delaying a few weeks gave us time to come up with a solution, or so we hoped. So much for the 600 invitations sitting in my basement waiting to go out!
As the date got closer we still did not have a hall to make the wedding in, so we decided to host it ourselves, in our backyard. By now it was clear we were not going to have the hundreds of family and friends we had originally hoped for and all we were looking for was somewhere to accommodate just our immediate families. I live right next door to my father and am surrounded by other family members’ houses so it was a situation we thought could work. We (again I use the term loosely, it was really Miriam. I was just watching the kids and helping them on Zoom) arranged with a caterer, a musician, a party planner, a photographer and a tent rental company to make a nice wedding. By Tuesday evening, exactly one week before the wedding, it looked like we were set to host a fine wedding.
The next morning we had yet another curveball thrown our way. All along we were consulting with our rabbi and doctor to make sure what we were doing was safe for us and our community. However, on Wednesday our doctor told us that he couldn’t give his approval for us to host the wedding in the heart of the community as he wasn’t comfortable with the bride’s family coming in from NJ. And now, without the doctor’s approval our rabbi also wouldn’t sanction it. So just like that we were 6 days away from the wedding date and had nowhere to make it!
We frantically made calls and social media requests looking for a secluded location and started receiving leads but none panned out. We drove out to an empty warehouse which was spacious but had wires dangling from the ceiling and the floor was covered in sticky grime. We then looked at some concrete storage units that were in an industrial area surrounded by large dumpsters and bulldozers but it was hard to imagine marrying off our son in them. We made call after call but each possibility went up in flames. In short, we were stuck.
While I am generally pretty laid back and unruffled, and until this point I had done a great job handling all the craziness and even had a lot of good laughs from it, I came home that night completely drained – both physically and emotionally. I was done. Thankfully, Miriam was not.
That night she scoured the internet and excitedly told me, “I may have found somewhere!” I told her I was too tired to get excited about another possibility only to have it not materialize but the next day we got in the car to check out a property in Navarre.
The property had a gorgeous house situated on 40 acres and was far away from any neighbors. It also had a small lake and a genuine two story barn that was built in the 1850s and recently refurbished. While the property is usually rented out, it just so happened to be open for two days the next week – the days we wanted to make a wedding!
We loved the potential we saw and immediately booked the house. On the way home we spoke to the caterer and musician and everyone else we originally booked to see if they could still do our event in the new location. Thankfully they were all willing to and we came home that night (Thursday night) with our new wedding plans!
In the interest of space I can’t go into all the details of the wedding but suffice it to say that just five days after not even having a place, we had a wedding that was nicer than we could have ever imagined! The chuppah took place next to the lake and the reception in the barn. It was far and away a lot more unique, more picturesque and much more beautiful than our backyard or even The Brightstone would have been (and certainly nicer than the grimy warehouse and concrete storage units). While the guest list was smaller than we would have liked, the energy and dancing was off the charts. The joy and jubilation was through the roof (the slats in the barn surely helped that out).
There are a lot of lessons I took from this. One notable one is the concept of “Gam zu letovah” – “this too is (somehow) for our good.”
Often in life things don’t go as planned. This can be extremely frustrating; after all, we like “being in charge.” Certainly it is frustrating when plans go awry. But we must always remember that G-d has a plan for us and somehow whatever happens to us is really for our own best. We may not always see how or why but we can rest assured that in the long run it really is for own good.
As I watched the sun set behind the lake and gazed at the acres of green grass and saw the barn off in the distance I was overcome with gratitude at how things worked out so well and in such a short amount of time. While a week before I was devastated that my backyard did not work out I realized that in the end it turned out so much better than imagined. I was fortunate to see with my own eyes “gam zu letovah.” I whispered a prayer to G-d that He grants the young couple a life full of bliss, harmony and happiness and to merit to always see His Hand and accept whatever He gives them with love and faith.
And I wish the same for myself and all of you as well.
And if you need any spare paper I have 600 invitations and envelopes you can have – free of charge!
Shabbat Shalom,
Rabbi Yosef Koval
